Worthless Check

I was just thinking about the times in my life I've felt like a worthless check. Written with sincerity and at face value only to return stamped "insufficient funds." Perhaps you can relate, perhaps not. If so here are some words of encouragement. It's odd because through it all you feel like yourself. Everything that you were yesterday you still are today. To you. In retrospect that fundamentally says it all. To you. In being true to yourself you found self worth, self respect and a love for yourself. You recognized something that was not only valuable to you but more so to others. Worth. Honest to God and man worth. Now there are exceptions to every rule. If people constantly told you that you walked like a duck and quacked like a duck you would have to ascertain that you were a duck. Or another way of putting that is how my grandmother would have said it, "everybody ain't lying." In those case you'll have to do a self diagnostic to find where the problem lies because there is a good probability that it lies within you. There will be the other times. The times when the people you know, the people you love and the people you respect will fail to see your worth or your worth is insufficient by their standards. Your differences depreciate your value. I've come to believe that for the most part, it's not done maliciously. Everyone has a basic need to be understood. Most feel that the people who are most like them will understand them better than those who are not. Those that are the closest to them are targeted first for assimilation. Sadly not much thought is given to your thoughts or feelings. It is because of your attachment to them whatever it may be that it is assumed that you will just...conform. This is not a twelve step program on what to do about that. Just a simple three things to remember. Know it when you see it. Love yourself as God loves you. Know with every fiber of your being that you could NEVER be a worthless check. Jesus paid it all to assure that.

Born From Pain

I was just thinking, pain is as much a part of living as breathing. It is true that we as a people respond to pain in different ways. Some of us can take our pain and use it in useful and positive ways. We can use it as a form of expression. When looked upon by others it may seem clever or easy but expressing pain in a positive manner costs. To fully express it, you open your heart and display your soul for possible ridicule...more hurt. I'm reminded of Dr. Maya Angelou's life. Who knew what the sum of being raped at age eight and being mute for six years of would produce? Others take the opposite approach. Their pain breeds more pain. Instead of expressing it they choose infect others. We've all heard the adage "misery loves company." They feel as if, if someone else is experiencing pain they aren't alone in theirs. There are primarily two forms of pain. Physical and emotional. Physical pain can be dealt with on one of two levels. Tolerate it or find a modern medical marvel that will either alleviate or cease it. As I think about physical pain, I'm reminded of Genesis 3:16 which reads... "Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children;..." as a mother I have known no greater physical pain than child birth. The average mother will agree with that statement but with that pain there is nothing more precious than the face of her new born child. Only women more specifically mothers can relate to this so I'll move on. Most everyone has experienced heartache in some aspect. Maybe it was the loss of a loved one or the death of a relationship. Perhaps someone introduced you to pain either by commission or omission or or in other words something they did or did not do. Purposely or not. The thing is that in this life there will be pain. It is as necessary as darkness. I'm saying this to say that without darkness we would be unable to appreciate the light. Without pain we would not be able to fully perceive good times. It's not the pain that defines us but what we do with it. How we overcome it. As I think further, I think of how sad it is that some people can only appreciate God in times of sadness and despair. Even sadder that some can't appreciate Him even then. I'm here to tell you that everyone experiences pain at some point in their lives, don't feel alone in that. I'm also here to tell you that some of the most beautiful things were born from pain.

The Ghost In The Machine

I was just thinking. Have you ever felt disconnected from the rest of the world? Felt like no one understood you so you were discounted as being a part of the human race? You feel invisible. You strive to find a single person that can understand your complexity or your simplicity to no avail. So you're left feeling abnormal, a pariah and in essence a ghost in the machine. Again this is me understanding. I'm among the complex of you. My analytical skills, logic and even my speech to the average person is atypical. To them I'm either thrusting unwanted and unintelligible wit at them or just being difficult. I've often found that defense of myself only leads to further complications. I can also empathize with the simple of you. Not meant to be taken in the derogatory sense but just those of you who aren't at all complex. I can see where the average person can misunderstand you also. We as people tend to be unbelieving of things that are too good to be true. If you're just that easy to figure out then something else must be wrong with you. The need to add more to you is almost irresistible. Aside from the feelings of ostracism and abject loneliness, you question your own propensity in dealing with others. Is this something you unconsciously do to ward off the natives? Are you really everything they say you are or aren't? Well only you can answer those questions. The only thing I can tell you that in my experiences I found that when I remain true to myself, I'm happier. Along the way I've found people who may not completely understand me but they respect who I am. I also have found people who don't understand me and I repel them like opposing magnets. That's the beauty of interpersonal relationships, we aren't the same. We weren't meant to be. In accepting that we're allowed to be ourselves and embrace our differences. I suspect that one day you will come across a person or persons of your kind. Who understands you more so than anyone ever has. It is my hope that one day you will look up and find someone looking at YOU and loving every bit of you. Someone that awes you in their similarities to yourself. In that you will no longer be the ghost in the machine.

Do You See What I See?

I was just thinking. Have you ever been at a place in your life where you look in the mirror and seriously dislike the person you see? Whether it's because you don't like your appearance or because you dislike yourself as a person or something you've done. I know what that feels like. To sit and stare at a person you barely know. Too fat, too skinny, not living right or I really shouldn't have done that. I've been there. Looking at the unrecognizable person staring back at you. Unsuccessfully struggling to see what others saw and filled with self loathing because little in your life is right. Wondering what to do to somehow inject a little beauty into your features, your future, your life. Whether male or female, child or adult, we all have beauty. There is something about us as an individual that is like no one else. A look, a laugh, a thought process, a walk or that little thing that you do that causes someone else to smile outwardly or inwardly. We have all heard the terms "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder or one man's trash is another man's treasure" but have you ever thought about exactly what they mean? To be only as beautiful as the person who's looking at you sees you or to have little worth to one person and mean the world to another. I'm saying that to say this, what you see when you stare at yourself may not be what someone else sees. What you find so reprehensible about yourself someone else may adore. That thing that you did...guess what. For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; (Romans 3:23). Even the most beautiful, the most self-satisfied and the most righteous of people are not without sin. Yes God wants us to turn from sin and choose him but you weren't discounted nor disqualified as his beautiful creation because you sinned. I'm not here to deliver a sermon. Just an empathetic person who is writing about something you've thought of in part or wholly. Be we man or woman we all have a certain amount of vanity. We want to be attractive. Most of us aren't greedy, we don't require drop dead gorgeous just...attractive. Someone once said I was beautiful. I believed they thought so but I had to say "I don't see what you see." I was told that I didn't need to, all I had to do is trust that what they saw they could never see in another. From that day to this one it's awe inspiring knowing that someone sees something that surpasses my copious sight. If that is true for me then it is a logical assumption that I am not the first nor will I be the last to have such an experience. With that in mind, the next time you find yourself staring at your reflection in search of beauty just ask yourself...Do you see what I see?

Let Go

I was just thinking, have you ever been asked to let go? The circumstances and details aren't relevant at the moment. Only the emotions the followed. What you were holding was precious to you. It somehow completed you as a person. It was the source of great pleasure and you knew that pain was also a possibility. It made sense when little else did so you held fast with a tight knuckled grip that would rival any weightlifting champion. You would ever so often look at your hands only to realize that what you were holding had no real form so it was like holding water, smoke or air. You knew before it happened that you were going to lose it. It was inevitable. You just can't hold on to such things and be free to move and live. So when that dreaded day finally came in whatever form or fashion, spoken or unspoken all equated to the same conclusion...let go. So without giving yourself time to think or rationalize you open up both hands and...let go. That action alone left you breathless as if someone came along and without you looking just hit you in the stomach. You cry as you free fall spiraling into every single feeling you could possibly feel waiting for the impact of your landing. Hurt, love, sorrow, belonging, despair, amusement, grief, gratitude, anger, regret, resentment...loneliness. The worst happens when your own mind starts playing devil's advocate. "You were never really cared for, who are you that anyone could?" Even worse when the people around you try to explain away your feelings or give you advise to aid in your recovery. All you want is for the whole world to disappear and the pain to cease. No one understands and no one feels what you're feeling. Do they? It doesn't matter because here and now all you know is yours. All the times you set your feelings on the back burner to help others with theirs seems foolish. Yours are on the back burner, charred and smoldering. For what? You recognize bitterness when it speaks and you know in your heart that you will continue to think of others before yourself, you'll just have to keep an eye on that back burner as well. A million solutions. A million ways you try to think of to ensure that this never happens to you again. It hurts, it's hard and you don't want any of it. It's getting harder and harder to see the light at the end of this tunnel. You start wondering if one exists. As much as you try to go places and do things that don't remind you...it's all for naught. You just want to take a breath that doesn't hurt. You want something that doesn't have pain attached to it. Then all of a sudden, one day you find that breathing doesn't hurt as much. You look to the left and then to the right. You do a self check patting your arms, chest and legs...hmmm you're in one piece. You take one tentative step, then another wondering when impact happened. Smile, it happened when you let go.

The Blue Pill

I was just thinking. I've seen the Matrix several times and there are many aspects of it that can be left up interpretation. There is one aspect of it that I can readily identify with at the moment. The Blue Pill. Maybe you'll be able to follow along whether you've seen it or not. With the blue pill you dwell in a world that isn't real. Or is it? One of Webster's definitions of real is as follows, "of or relating to practical or everyday concerns or activities." Have you ever been in a place in your life where everything is all too real and all too contemptible? You escape to a place be it an actual place or a place in your mind where you can find peace and happiness and some semblance of hope. You visit often and soon the lines between your two worlds are entwined and your feel good world is just as real to you as the other. It's your escape, your link to sanity. You look forward to being there. You long to remain there. It's is a place where love knows no bounds where acceptance and kinship are all yours. You're not alone there. However, thinking of it further; not much in this world can be real. It was constructed on dreams. It was built apart from hurt, stress and strife. You aren't really viable there. We weren't promised a life filled with sunshine and roses. There will be rain. Life is full of hurt, stress and strife. It's all in the experience of...living. It's what you do with those things that define you. Believe me when I say that I understand that everyone longs to be understood, to be loved, to be happy. It's our nature. The fact of the matter is, we can't stay in our feel good world and actually...live. (Be warned incoming religious beliefs.) For we know that all things work together for the good of them that love God. (Romans 8:28) There is nothing that you're going through that He doesn't know about. From once upon a time all the way to the end. He knows and He cares. I didn't come to preach to you and maybe this is more for me than for you. I just wanted to let you know to be encouraged. You aren't alone. No matter the appeal of the world of the blue pill, don't linger too long. It just becomes more difficult to leave.

I Know Love

I know Love. I've seen it's face.
I know Love. Stared in awe of it's majesty and grace.
I know Love. Tried and true.
I know Love. It surpasses me and it surpasses you.
I know Love. Sometimes it can leave a heart broken.
I know Love. Truer words have never been spoken.
I know Love. Looking for those who are willing to receive.
I know Love. Free to all whether or not they believe.
I know Love. Without it I could not do.
I know Love. And I want you to know it too.
I know Love. Though it's something I had to lose.
I know Love. It happens sometimes, no new news.
I know Love. I listened to my heart.
I know Love. From it I shall never depart.
I know Love. And I sit here dreaming.
I know Love. I realize for you and I, it may not have the same meaning.
But I know Love and it's as beautiful as a sun filled day.
I know Love. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

No Words

I was just thinking. Have you ever come to a moment, situation or a circumstance in your life where words fail you? You take a mental pace around it stare at it for a moment only to find yourself pacing again? No prolific thought process can lead you to have an ounce of revelation of exactly how you arrived at this juncture and what to do now that you're here. You sit contemplating this phenomenon trying to define something that has no attainable definition. Elocution has failed you! So now you're in a state of wonderment thinking to yourself...I have no words. This isn't intended to provide you those words or even advice. It's just to let you know...I understand. It may not be the first time you've arrived here and I'm sad to say it probably won't be your last. So the next time you find that you're in a situation that has your mouth open and no coherent sound coming out, know that I too have been in the land of no words.