Tragic Inevitability

I recently came across this song of Lalah Hathaway's. As I listened to some of the words I thought to myself...girl you feelin' me! But it was not so much the words of this song that compelled me to pen and paper but the words in the title. Tragic Inevitability. I took it upon myself to educate myself on the meaning of these words. Webster's dictionary defines them as follows: Tragic - regrettably serious or unpleasant: deplorable, lamentable. Inevitable - incapable of being avoided or evaded. So I summarized that the title meant that there was an unpleasant situation that was unable to be avoided. I thought to myself...wow...and this entry took on a new direction for me. What was initially meant to be a look at beauty will end up addressing the beast. I am in no way making despairing remarks toward anyone, I'm merely saying that what comes to mind isn't pleasant. Not for me anyway. So here's the gist of this rambling. In the interim between the birth of a relationship and the death of the same relationship there are many emotional changes. Sometimes there are many years between that birth and death but for me...not so much. I keeping asking myself how I got here. I mean I know all the factors that caused the death but as time passes I find it harder to see the reason for the birth. Do two people really change that much? My intellect tells me that the person I am currently dealing with is the person that has always been there. I just chose not to see it. It forces me to accept 75% responsibility for the initial misconceptions. You can't fault someone for being themselves. Especially you've had glimpse (no matter how long ago it was) of who or what that person really is. Which is why I believe if a person shows you who they really are...you should believe them. But I also believe that people can change and with those contradictions, I guess I now know which belief took precedence. This is so not a bashing session. Not even bashing myself. I feel the need to keep reiterating that. It's all about feelings and trying to come to terms of how I came to be at this particular juncture and what it means. I feel a certain amount of sadness. Not for the decisions I've made that have brought me here but for a death. The death of something that was supposed to mean something. It wasn't even a slow death but a cold, swift, calculated death. I guess most people would argue that they would prefer a quick death over one where there is suffering. I can't say that I don't agree. But death is death and being clothed in flesh there is a certain sadness to it. I find that I am once again questioning my ability and likeliness to be loved. That statement weighs heavily on my mind with the sheer pathetic way of how it sounds. It's not as it sounds though. It's just me accepting how and why I feel the way I do. I see myself as a scarred, flawed, wounded and weary being. One who loves fiercely, one who is loyal long after sense and sensibility demand that I stop and one who loves laughter so my sense of humor can be uncanny. With all of this I don't see a person worthy of being or having love. That I even tried seems foolish to me now. Do not misunderstand me. I believe that you should love your neighbor as yourself and practice it and I believe that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son and I love me!!! I still wholeheartedly believe in love. I just no longer believe that the particular love I am speaking of was meant for me in this life. The Lord said his grace is sufficient. I'm all over that. It's just that sometimes it's saddening that things have to be this way. So when emotions are raw and I just...need, here is my prayer.
Lord I do not know the plan you have for my life but I do know that it's perfect. In moments of weakness and despair I'm so glad that here in this little room you wrap your arms around me as I cry. All the while wiping my tears and telling me that everything will be alright. For comforting me in spite of my scars, flaws, fears and tears. For dwelling within the broken and broken-hearted. For lending Your strength when mine is failing. For being who You are. For loving me first and unconditionally. For giving Your Son so that I may live and not die. I pray that You use me in a way that will forever glorify You. I thank You for Your patience and understanding as I decrease and You increase.
So the tragic inevitability of it all is that in the end, maybe things are just as they were meant to be.

Frame Of Reference

I was just thinking. I was recently involved in a conversation that at first didn't anger me as much as it upset me. We've all had conversations on topics that we feel as if we're being made to justify or defend ourselves. It's not a good feeling. Matters are even more difficult when you've made yourself clear on how you feel about this matter countless times. Maybe the person you're conversing with doesn't drop the gauntlet and issue an outright challenge. That's not usually how it works. It's usually done through innuendos. Implications that suggest things aren't as you say they are. As if you've already been tried and convicted in the court of the other person's mind. This may not be meant in a hurtful manner but it no less has you in a state of...why? As I sat contemplating this very thing, I came to realize that most people can only perceive things from their own frame of reference. In simpler terms they base your experiences, beliefs or whatever the situation may be on their own experiences, beliefs etc. If they were placed (or already have been) in the same scenario as you are currently in, what they would (or have done) takes center stage. Our emotions can run very deeply about certain things. It's possible to feel so strongly about something that only your reaction to it seems feasible. The concept of individuality is lost. And you know what?...I get it. A desire to feel a connection to the rest of the world. A sense of belonging. Like your feelings and life are not so foreign to everyone else's. There is no thought requirement. You already know how you would feel and what our reaction would be. I get it but I don't agree with it. We are all different. We experience things differently. Our experiences may share certain similarities but we each have one or more little nuances that make us...different. We may break off into little sub-cultures where we "click" with those who have many similarities as ourselves but even in those sub-cultures you will find differences. I'm not at all saying that one person is better or worse than the next. Just trying to make sense of human nature. In doing so I can only appreciate differences. I have a better understanding of why people are as they are. It makes me conscientious that I'm not judging others from my own frame of reference.

Some Kind Of Way

Well let me begin by saying that the title holds significant meaning for me right now. It is how I'm feeling. Have you ever had feelings that you can't explain? Or that you didn't even want to? Like your brain already concedes the fact that no words that your mouth can utter will resonate in any ear that could possibly understand. You might be saying that this a a glorified way of saying I'm depressed. In a sense I guess you're right. In another...that doesn't nearly cover it. It's kind of heavy. Being bombarded with so many different emotions. Love, dissappointment, excitement, self-loathing, happiness and sadness. It's like standing on an extremely narrow ledge in unpredictable high winds. Fall backwards to your death or forward into happiness and purpose. You just don't which way the wind will blow and it's the not knowing that's so maddening. As a believer in the teachings of Christ, I believe that "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them." (Roman 8:28) Knowing that whatever I'm feeling and whatever I'm going through is for my good and that I have the best comforter I could possibly have as I make these transitions make it tolerable. He knows my heart is heavy. He knows of the tears shed and unshed and as I lay with my head in his lap telling Him how I feel, I know that it may not be today nor tomorrow but it will be alright. If I faint not. I've come to accept that happiness may not be mine to claim in this lifetime. I have a charge to keep and a God to glorify and He has said that His grace is sufficient. None of this is new to Him. The phrase "Been there, done that" comes to mind. As I pray, knowing that He knows and that He loves me in spite of my fear and doubt makes me love Him even more. You may or may not be able to relate to any of this. I guess this was more for me. I am no preacher and that is not the purpose for this literary for work. It's how I choose to express myself. It's my therapy for when I'm feeling "Some Kind Of Way."