Let Go

I was just thinking, have you ever been asked to let go? The circumstances and details aren't relevant at the moment. Only the emotions the followed. What you were holding was precious to you. It somehow completed you as a person. It was the source of great pleasure and you knew that pain was also a possibility. It made sense when little else did so you held fast with a tight knuckled grip that would rival any weightlifting champion. You would ever so often look at your hands only to realize that what you were holding had no real form so it was like holding water, smoke or air. You knew before it happened that you were going to lose it. It was inevitable. You just can't hold on to such things and be free to move and live. So when that dreaded day finally came in whatever form or fashion, spoken or unspoken all equated to the same conclusion...let go. So without giving yourself time to think or rationalize you open up both hands and...let go. That action alone left you breathless as if someone came along and without you looking just hit you in the stomach. You cry as you free fall spiraling into every single feeling you could possibly feel waiting for the impact of your landing. Hurt, love, sorrow, belonging, despair, amusement, grief, gratitude, anger, regret, resentment...loneliness. The worst happens when your own mind starts playing devil's advocate. "You were never really cared for, who are you that anyone could?" Even worse when the people around you try to explain away your feelings or give you advise to aid in your recovery. All you want is for the whole world to disappear and the pain to cease. No one understands and no one feels what you're feeling. Do they? It doesn't matter because here and now all you know is yours. All the times you set your feelings on the back burner to help others with theirs seems foolish. Yours are on the back burner, charred and smoldering. For what? You recognize bitterness when it speaks and you know in your heart that you will continue to think of others before yourself, you'll just have to keep an eye on that back burner as well. A million solutions. A million ways you try to think of to ensure that this never happens to you again. It hurts, it's hard and you don't want any of it. It's getting harder and harder to see the light at the end of this tunnel. You start wondering if one exists. As much as you try to go places and do things that don't remind you...it's all for naught. You just want to take a breath that doesn't hurt. You want something that doesn't have pain attached to it. Then all of a sudden, one day you find that breathing doesn't hurt as much. You look to the left and then to the right. You do a self check patting your arms, chest and legs...hmmm you're in one piece. You take one tentative step, then another wondering when impact happened. Smile, it happened when you let go.