A.W.O.L.

It's a shame that I can only write when I'm either very happy or very sad. As I think about it further, it's not really much of a shame. In conversation I mostly speak when I have something to say, writing isn't all that different. I write best when I have something to say.

I was just thinking about people. How easily some seem to desert you. I guess I'm currently, mostly thinking of it from my own point of view. Being emotionally or physically abandoned doesn't produce happy, happy joy, joy feelings. Having dealt with it in one form or another throughout my life, when such things present themselves, it's not as surprising as it is unexpected. Which by definition is the same. I just mean no one expects for people who profess to care about them to suddenly just leave without warning.
Feelings of hurt and anger are first to present themselves. Me being who I am try to rationalize and do my best to remain objective. I just don't understand. Then again I don't inhabit the thoughts of the other person. Maybe for them their actions are perfectly justifiable. Maybe they are. I just don't think that abandoning the people you care about should be a viable option. Then again what do I know. I'm divorced. I was the one who left. In my mind, I had very good reasons. My ex may tell a different tale. It may even sound a lot like this one.
I whole heartedly believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I often place their feelings ahead of my own. My mistake is thinking that they think I'm worth the same. Thinking logically, there is no way to keep score on these types of things. I did it last time, it's your turn! I've done it twice as much as you have!! Sounds silly, no? But don't most of us want that? Someone who will reciprocate our own feelings and actions. Our mistake is thinking that what we're feeling and/or doing is perceived as "good."
I think women are more affected by desertion than men are. I mean no one wants it but women feel it in a way that I don't think men are capable of. We were made this way. We were taken from man not the other way around. We depend on them to make us feel special, beautiful, and loved. To make us feel like women. A heavy order for a lot of men. I feel bad for them really. I'll go out on a limb and say most women can't control their emotionality. It governs them like the steering wheel on a car. I don't know what that's like. I won't pretend that I don't get emotional but I tend to think over most of what I say and do when I'm feeling that way.
As always I don't have have any answers. My automatic response to being abandoned is to let them. I don't entertain any illusions of grandeur but I have worth. So what am I saying? Nothing yet something. Thoughts, feelings healing in print. One of the many versus in the bible I take literally is "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 7:12 NIV) My problem is accepting people doing things to me that I would never do to them. Of course I have no control over what people do, all of this just makes me think twice before going absent without leave.