A.W.O.L.

It's a shame that I can only write when I'm either very happy or very sad. As I think about it further, it's not really much of a shame. In conversation I mostly speak when I have something to say, writing isn't all that different. I write best when I have something to say.

I was just thinking about people. How easily some seem to desert you. I guess I'm currently, mostly thinking of it from my own point of view. Being emotionally or physically abandoned doesn't produce happy, happy joy, joy feelings. Having dealt with it in one form or another throughout my life, when such things present themselves, it's not as surprising as it is unexpected. Which by definition is the same. I just mean no one expects for people who profess to care about them to suddenly just leave without warning.
Feelings of hurt and anger are first to present themselves. Me being who I am try to rationalize and do my best to remain objective. I just don't understand. Then again I don't inhabit the thoughts of the other person. Maybe for them their actions are perfectly justifiable. Maybe they are. I just don't think that abandoning the people you care about should be a viable option. Then again what do I know. I'm divorced. I was the one who left. In my mind, I had very good reasons. My ex may tell a different tale. It may even sound a lot like this one.
I whole heartedly believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I often place their feelings ahead of my own. My mistake is thinking that they think I'm worth the same. Thinking logically, there is no way to keep score on these types of things. I did it last time, it's your turn! I've done it twice as much as you have!! Sounds silly, no? But don't most of us want that? Someone who will reciprocate our own feelings and actions. Our mistake is thinking that what we're feeling and/or doing is perceived as "good."
I think women are more affected by desertion than men are. I mean no one wants it but women feel it in a way that I don't think men are capable of. We were made this way. We were taken from man not the other way around. We depend on them to make us feel special, beautiful, and loved. To make us feel like women. A heavy order for a lot of men. I feel bad for them really. I'll go out on a limb and say most women can't control their emotionality. It governs them like the steering wheel on a car. I don't know what that's like. I won't pretend that I don't get emotional but I tend to think over most of what I say and do when I'm feeling that way.
As always I don't have have any answers. My automatic response to being abandoned is to let them. I don't entertain any illusions of grandeur but I have worth. So what am I saying? Nothing yet something. Thoughts, feelings healing in print. One of the many versus in the bible I take literally is "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 7:12 NIV) My problem is accepting people doing things to me that I would never do to them. Of course I have no control over what people do, all of this just makes me think twice before going absent without leave.

If

If

If life were a thought, I'd have many
If thoughts were money, I'd have a penny
All my thoughts tend to be of you
A multitude of memories to gaze at anew

If words were luck I'd have none
If words were a race, I'd be done
No amount of words can express what I feel
You can't convince me that it isn't real

If love were a lightening bug, I'd shine bright
If a lightening bug were a star, I'd light up the night
Love is something that should never be hidden
But more like a thoroughbred born to be ridden
 
If time were water, I'd be an ocean
If an ocean could commit, I'd show you my devotion
A drop of water for every second I breathe
To prove that in you, in this, I believe

If you were the air, I'd be a breeze
If you were a nose I'd be a sneeze
If you were music, I'd be a song
If you were a fork, I'd be a prong
If you were sleep, I'd be a dream
If you were thread, I'd be a seam
If you were a hand, I'd be a touch
If you were china, I'd be a hutch
All of these things go so well with the other
Like a kid sister with a protective big brother
Hold up, wait a minute, I changed gears
Creative expression of my feelings could take years
There are things inside me that'd be better expressed by a mime
Which is why took my time and wrote it and put it to rhyme
Sometimes theres nothing like seeing a person's love
To send another heart soaring to the heavens above

Hallelujah Anyhow

When my life seems as if it filled with gaps
I envision myself at Your feet my head on Your lap.
My heart is heavy, my knees are bent
Your hands are on my head and You tell me Your grace is sufficient.
Because of my love for you I was willing to die
So rest easy my daughter, there's no need to cry.
For I will be with you when all others are gone
As long as you walk with me, you're never alone.
Lord I'm tired, this is such a difficult task
Child I can do exceedingly and abundantly more than you can think or ask.
Yes Lord, to your will, your way I yield
My daughter I'll be your portion, your strength, your shield.
Thanks for the talk Lord, I feel better now
It's not over, I'm not finished but hallelujah anyhow.

In My Feelings

I was just thinking, why is it that I mostly write when I feel a certain kind of way. A shame really since I do enjoy it. It's just hard for me to write when I have nothing to say. However, today was not that kind of day. With that being said...

I sit here with my mind weaving in and out of so many things,
fighting loneliness and being serenaded by the ocean and 2 Kings.
I'm fighting a losing battle and though I know it won't last,
I want to feel like me again quickly, expeditiously, yes even fast.
Like the waves crashing in the background I feel torn apart,
as empty as the Tin Man who only wanted a heart.
Why is it that right now I feel so alone?
Each day I wake hoping to set a new tone.
I dislike these times but I understand why they must be.
I step back, take a deep breath and take a thorough look at me.
Why am I here and what should I do?
So many questions that begin with what, why and who.
Today there was rain, tomorrow will be shine,
I know because the Son illuminates this heart of mine!
So I do what can only be done kneeling,
when these times come and I'm in my feelings.

The Constant Gardener

I was just thinking...it's been a while since I've written anything. I've been asked but I find that I have to write about what I know. Mostly personal experiences that people can relate to. Any other day I wouldn't have considered today to be a good day. The weather is foul and due to the weather my 20 minute commute to and from work turned into an hour going and an hour and a half returning. It would seem that I am becoming a mule at work. Now all of this may seem like a complaint BUT today was one of THE BEST days! I heard spoken today that once you start living in the love of Christ, everything else becomes so trivial. I'm not here to talk about my day though. I said all that only because my day was an inspiration to this writing. The things that were fed to me during the course of my day gave me inspiration and motivation. So without further ado. I was thinking how so much like flowers we are. How external factors can limit our growth. How beautiful but delicate we are. Some grow in the wild but the ones that are part of a garden or nursery are the most cherished. We all need the same things to survive. Food, water, the Son. No, I didn't misspell it. It's all relative. I wondered at how sometimes you start off with flowers you consider friends but as you start blossoming, they seem to disappear. Then I thought, that's part of the gardener's job, to pull weeds. Weeds stifle growth. They steal essential nutrients leaving the flower to slowly wilt and eventually die. A loving gardner could never allow this. Wildflowers use their own devices. If there is no one pulling the weeds, they will take over. Some flowers are fooled because some weeds have pretty petals and come in the guise of a fellow flower. However, the gardener knows a flower from a weed. There isn't a flower alive that doesn't require water. We often look at rain as a bad thing but without it, it would be impossible to appreciate the Son. Without rain we couldn't reach full maturity so that healthy seedlings can come forth from us and be scattered to the four winds to create healthy new flowers. When the Son shines on us, we stretch toward the heavens in anticipation but by night our roots burrow deeper and deeper into the earth. We must be mindful not to become so deeply rooted in the earth that the gardener becomes displeased with what's growing. There is so much love, time and effort that the gardener gives his garden. When strong winds come and leave you leaning he stands you back up and gives you what you need to brave the next wind. He protects you from all that might prey on you. You are covered by the strongest pesticide there is. As many varieties and colors of flowers, the gardener always knows which are his. As flowers go we aren't meant to live forever. We're here for the pleasure of the gardener. We were meant to be plucked.

A Flight Of Fancy

I was just thinking about the symbolism of a feather in the wind. It's a beautiful thing to watch, how the slightest breeze elevates it one second and the lack of a breeze causes it's descent the next. How the changes in the wind direction causes an intricate aerial ballet to ensue. But there is another aspect to consider. That feather was once a part of a collective whole. Something magnificent. Now there is separation. By chance or purposely set apart. As life goes things happen. Change is inevitable. I can appreciate the beauty of it's flight but it's a lonely one. Everything has a natural inclination to be a part of or belong to something bigger than itself. To be accepted. To be loved. Apart it's still somewhat functional even though it's not performing it's original purpose. There is a loveliness to it's solo but as dances go, it's so much more alluring with a partner. A leader and a follower in a series steps and maneuvers creating a divine soiree. Of course missteps are bound to happen but with correction and practice, they grow. Together. Not many want to face the multitude alone. To stumble and sometimes fall with no one there to pick it up or utter words of encouragement. I concede that I'm only speaking from my own frame of reference. Maybe the feather feels a sense of freedom. Like a newly released prisoner in control of it's own fate. Maybe the mass was too much and it now wants to exercise it's own individuality. Maybe it doesn't grasp the concept of "it's not all about you." Carefully thought out it should realize that it still has no control over itself. It's new master is the wind and it's subject to go wherever the winds blows it. So wasn't it better when it had camaraderie? When there were others who understood? At least it wasn't alone. We as people aren't often born into our purpose. We have to find our way. Enduring windless seasons and enjoying moments where we can let our proverbial kites fly. The relationships we form along the way empower us to learn and grow. Even negative relationships allow us to ascertain things about ourselves as well as others. God Himself decreed that "It is not good that the man should be alone" in Genesis 2:18. We were made to love and interact with each other. Yes there are times of loneliness but we don't have to be alone in it. Shared experiences trumps solo flights of fancy.

If I Said I Love You

If I said I love you that fact would you concede or would I have to cut my wrists and let you watch me slowly bleed?

If I told you my innermost secrets, would you use them as ammunition or would you smile in acceptance and feed my ambition?

If to you I confessed all my imperfections would I be met with haughty indignation or would you take me in your arms and lift me to a new station?

If I gave you my body would you use it for a night and fall asleep or would you treasure, pleasure, fill it and then claim it as yours to keep?

If I gave you all that I had even if that all was me, would you willingly accept it or cast it into the sea?

If before your eyes I turned old, worn and grey, would you love me as much then as you do today?

If my happiness was yours and yours was mine, would that be enough or would you seek the beauty of a totally different design?

I ask all these questions just because..."if" is the biggest small word there ever was.