Tragic Inevitability

I recently came across this song of Lalah Hathaway's. As I listened to some of the words I thought to myself...girl you feelin' me! But it was not so much the words of this song that compelled me to pen and paper but the words in the title. Tragic Inevitability. I took it upon myself to educate myself on the meaning of these words. Webster's dictionary defines them as follows: Tragic - regrettably serious or unpleasant: deplorable, lamentable. Inevitable - incapable of being avoided or evaded. So I summarized that the title meant that there was an unpleasant situation that was unable to be avoided. I thought to myself...wow...and this entry took on a new direction for me. What was initially meant to be a look at beauty will end up addressing the beast. I am in no way making despairing remarks toward anyone, I'm merely saying that what comes to mind isn't pleasant. Not for me anyway. So here's the gist of this rambling. In the interim between the birth of a relationship and the death of the same relationship there are many emotional changes. Sometimes there are many years between that birth and death but for me...not so much. I keeping asking myself how I got here. I mean I know all the factors that caused the death but as time passes I find it harder to see the reason for the birth. Do two people really change that much? My intellect tells me that the person I am currently dealing with is the person that has always been there. I just chose not to see it. It forces me to accept 75% responsibility for the initial misconceptions. You can't fault someone for being themselves. Especially you've had glimpse (no matter how long ago it was) of who or what that person really is. Which is why I believe if a person shows you who they really are...you should believe them. But I also believe that people can change and with those contradictions, I guess I now know which belief took precedence. This is so not a bashing session. Not even bashing myself. I feel the need to keep reiterating that. It's all about feelings and trying to come to terms of how I came to be at this particular juncture and what it means. I feel a certain amount of sadness. Not for the decisions I've made that have brought me here but for a death. The death of something that was supposed to mean something. It wasn't even a slow death but a cold, swift, calculated death. I guess most people would argue that they would prefer a quick death over one where there is suffering. I can't say that I don't agree. But death is death and being clothed in flesh there is a certain sadness to it. I find that I am once again questioning my ability and likeliness to be loved. That statement weighs heavily on my mind with the sheer pathetic way of how it sounds. It's not as it sounds though. It's just me accepting how and why I feel the way I do. I see myself as a scarred, flawed, wounded and weary being. One who loves fiercely, one who is loyal long after sense and sensibility demand that I stop and one who loves laughter so my sense of humor can be uncanny. With all of this I don't see a person worthy of being or having love. That I even tried seems foolish to me now. Do not misunderstand me. I believe that you should love your neighbor as yourself and practice it and I believe that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son and I love me!!! I still wholeheartedly believe in love. I just no longer believe that the particular love I am speaking of was meant for me in this life. The Lord said his grace is sufficient. I'm all over that. It's just that sometimes it's saddening that things have to be this way. So when emotions are raw and I just...need, here is my prayer.
Lord I do not know the plan you have for my life but I do know that it's perfect. In moments of weakness and despair I'm so glad that here in this little room you wrap your arms around me as I cry. All the while wiping my tears and telling me that everything will be alright. For comforting me in spite of my scars, flaws, fears and tears. For dwelling within the broken and broken-hearted. For lending Your strength when mine is failing. For being who You are. For loving me first and unconditionally. For giving Your Son so that I may live and not die. I pray that You use me in a way that will forever glorify You. I thank You for Your patience and understanding as I decrease and You increase.
So the tragic inevitability of it all is that in the end, maybe things are just as they were meant to be.