Tragic Inevitability

I recently came across this song of Lalah Hathaway's. As I listened to some of the words I thought to myself...girl you feelin' me! But it was not so much the words of this song that compelled me to pen and paper but the words in the title. Tragic Inevitability. I took it upon myself to educate myself on the meaning of these words. Webster's dictionary defines them as follows: Tragic - regrettably serious or unpleasant: deplorable, lamentable. Inevitable - incapable of being avoided or evaded. So I summarized that the title meant that there was an unpleasant situation that was unable to be avoided. I thought to myself...wow...and this entry took on a new direction for me. What was initially meant to be a look at beauty will end up addressing the beast. I am in no way making despairing remarks toward anyone, I'm merely saying that what comes to mind isn't pleasant. Not for me anyway. So here's the gist of this rambling. In the interim between the birth of a relationship and the death of the same relationship there are many emotional changes. Sometimes there are many years between that birth and death but for me...not so much. I keeping asking myself how I got here. I mean I know all the factors that caused the death but as time passes I find it harder to see the reason for the birth. Do two people really change that much? My intellect tells me that the person I am currently dealing with is the person that has always been there. I just chose not to see it. It forces me to accept 75% responsibility for the initial misconceptions. You can't fault someone for being themselves. Especially you've had glimpse (no matter how long ago it was) of who or what that person really is. Which is why I believe if a person shows you who they really are...you should believe them. But I also believe that people can change and with those contradictions, I guess I now know which belief took precedence. This is so not a bashing session. Not even bashing myself. I feel the need to keep reiterating that. It's all about feelings and trying to come to terms of how I came to be at this particular juncture and what it means. I feel a certain amount of sadness. Not for the decisions I've made that have brought me here but for a death. The death of something that was supposed to mean something. It wasn't even a slow death but a cold, swift, calculated death. I guess most people would argue that they would prefer a quick death over one where there is suffering. I can't say that I don't agree. But death is death and being clothed in flesh there is a certain sadness to it. I find that I am once again questioning my ability and likeliness to be loved. That statement weighs heavily on my mind with the sheer pathetic way of how it sounds. It's not as it sounds though. It's just me accepting how and why I feel the way I do. I see myself as a scarred, flawed, wounded and weary being. One who loves fiercely, one who is loyal long after sense and sensibility demand that I stop and one who loves laughter so my sense of humor can be uncanny. With all of this I don't see a person worthy of being or having love. That I even tried seems foolish to me now. Do not misunderstand me. I believe that you should love your neighbor as yourself and practice it and I believe that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son and I love me!!! I still wholeheartedly believe in love. I just no longer believe that the particular love I am speaking of was meant for me in this life. The Lord said his grace is sufficient. I'm all over that. It's just that sometimes it's saddening that things have to be this way. So when emotions are raw and I just...need, here is my prayer.
Lord I do not know the plan you have for my life but I do know that it's perfect. In moments of weakness and despair I'm so glad that here in this little room you wrap your arms around me as I cry. All the while wiping my tears and telling me that everything will be alright. For comforting me in spite of my scars, flaws, fears and tears. For dwelling within the broken and broken-hearted. For lending Your strength when mine is failing. For being who You are. For loving me first and unconditionally. For giving Your Son so that I may live and not die. I pray that You use me in a way that will forever glorify You. I thank You for Your patience and understanding as I decrease and You increase.
So the tragic inevitability of it all is that in the end, maybe things are just as they were meant to be.

Frame Of Reference

I was just thinking. I was recently involved in a conversation that at first didn't anger me as much as it upset me. We've all had conversations on topics that we feel as if we're being made to justify or defend ourselves. It's not a good feeling. Matters are even more difficult when you've made yourself clear on how you feel about this matter countless times. Maybe the person you're conversing with doesn't drop the gauntlet and issue an outright challenge. That's not usually how it works. It's usually done through innuendos. Implications that suggest things aren't as you say they are. As if you've already been tried and convicted in the court of the other person's mind. This may not be meant in a hurtful manner but it no less has you in a state of...why? As I sat contemplating this very thing, I came to realize that most people can only perceive things from their own frame of reference. In simpler terms they base your experiences, beliefs or whatever the situation may be on their own experiences, beliefs etc. If they were placed (or already have been) in the same scenario as you are currently in, what they would (or have done) takes center stage. Our emotions can run very deeply about certain things. It's possible to feel so strongly about something that only your reaction to it seems feasible. The concept of individuality is lost. And you know what?...I get it. A desire to feel a connection to the rest of the world. A sense of belonging. Like your feelings and life are not so foreign to everyone else's. There is no thought requirement. You already know how you would feel and what our reaction would be. I get it but I don't agree with it. We are all different. We experience things differently. Our experiences may share certain similarities but we each have one or more little nuances that make us...different. We may break off into little sub-cultures where we "click" with those who have many similarities as ourselves but even in those sub-cultures you will find differences. I'm not at all saying that one person is better or worse than the next. Just trying to make sense of human nature. In doing so I can only appreciate differences. I have a better understanding of why people are as they are. It makes me conscientious that I'm not judging others from my own frame of reference.

Some Kind Of Way

Well let me begin by saying that the title holds significant meaning for me right now. It is how I'm feeling. Have you ever had feelings that you can't explain? Or that you didn't even want to? Like your brain already concedes the fact that no words that your mouth can utter will resonate in any ear that could possibly understand. You might be saying that this a a glorified way of saying I'm depressed. In a sense I guess you're right. In another...that doesn't nearly cover it. It's kind of heavy. Being bombarded with so many different emotions. Love, dissappointment, excitement, self-loathing, happiness and sadness. It's like standing on an extremely narrow ledge in unpredictable high winds. Fall backwards to your death or forward into happiness and purpose. You just don't which way the wind will blow and it's the not knowing that's so maddening. As a believer in the teachings of Christ, I believe that "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them." (Roman 8:28) Knowing that whatever I'm feeling and whatever I'm going through is for my good and that I have the best comforter I could possibly have as I make these transitions make it tolerable. He knows my heart is heavy. He knows of the tears shed and unshed and as I lay with my head in his lap telling Him how I feel, I know that it may not be today nor tomorrow but it will be alright. If I faint not. I've come to accept that happiness may not be mine to claim in this lifetime. I have a charge to keep and a God to glorify and He has said that His grace is sufficient. None of this is new to Him. The phrase "Been there, done that" comes to mind. As I pray, knowing that He knows and that He loves me in spite of my fear and doubt makes me love Him even more. You may or may not be able to relate to any of this. I guess this was more for me. I am no preacher and that is not the purpose for this literary for work. It's how I choose to express myself. It's my therapy for when I'm feeling "Some Kind Of Way."

Transient

Born into a world filled with sin.
Born into a world that serves the jinn.

Feeling like a stranger here, as if I don't belong.
It will get better I tell myself, hold on, be strong.

Restless and weary walking seemingly alone.
Hopes, dreams and purpose all but gone.

Desperately needing something real and true.
Knowing in my soul that not just anything will do.

Feeling lost and as lowly as dirt.
Bound in shackles, wounded and hurt.

No refuge, no home, no one who cares.
Only emptiness, hunger and uninterested stares.

Hidden in darkness, it's void my shroud.
Living with a quiet that is so deafeningly loud.

...And then Jesus came into that life.

Born again into a world exciting and new.
Born again into a world where I give God His due.

Jesus saved me and now I'm free.
His faithfulness and mercy every day I see.

In Him I have found a resting place.
The unconditional love of Christ so full of grace.

Blessed with a light I can not hide,
no longer hidden in darkness but in His word I abide.

Famished no more He made sure I was fed.
To Him and His church I am blissfully wed.

All that the enemy stole from me has been returned and more.
And I am patiently waiting for all the Master has in store.

No longer a wanderer in this insidious land,
but I walk with Jesus and on a rock I stand.

The promise of heaven is the ultimate perk,
if I follow Jesus and do His work.

I've come to realize that what I was feeling was true.
I am a transient here...just passing through.

Mountain Of Why

Why in times of sadness, despair and pain do I think of you with me on shores my feet have never touched and places my head has never lain?

Why is it when I look in my mirror I see you? Why do I know when you look in yours you see me too?

Why is that not all the mirror reflects? It reveals we see in each other what others neglect.

Why is my life so similar to yours and yours to mine? Why does your opinion mean more to me than I can comprehend, explain or define?

Why with one kind word do you have the knack to fill the void of the many things my life lacks?

Why is it that with just one thought of you, should I feel like a beautiful spring morning with a layer of fresh dew?

Why is it when it comes to you I'm so conflicted? Like trying to walk through a gate clearly marked restricted.

Why between us is there such understanding, acceptance and heat when in my lifetime this hasn't been an ordinary feat?

Why are jokes between us so funny and remain so for days? Why can I see the real you and feel nothing less than amazed?

Why with them are differences nearly impossible to mend, when we have in each other someone we can always call friend?

Why are we who are as simple as a field of daisies, predetermined to attracting people who are self-absorbed, over complicated and crazy?

Why is it that out of all the people in the world, you're most like me except you're not a girl?

Why is it that as sure as I am a girl and you are a guy, will there always be a mountain of why?

Fair I See

Watch your toes! I thought about this one for a while. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I thought about how it may offend some but encourage others and I came to the conclusion that if I can encourage someone along life’s highway, isn’t that one of the things our Father sent us all to do. If you are offended I apologize and ask for your forgiveness but I implore you to examine why.
How fair do you see? It is a question we should all ask ourselves. It seems that it is much easier to find fault in others than it is to find it within ourselves. We are so quick to judge and appoint blame. We rationalize our sins. Had it not been for this I would not have done that. Sin is not an effect it is a choice. However our neighbor is judged by a different standard than ourselves. I heard this saying that wisdom is having a whole lot to say but not saying it. Proverbs 29:11 says: “A fool vents all his feelings but a wise man holds them back.” Matthew 7:1-2 says this: “Judge not that you may not be judged. For with that judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will measured back to you.” Jesus is simply saying this. Whatever method you use to judge then that is the method that will be used to judge you. Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5: “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, Let me remove the speck from your eye; and look a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” How foolish is it for us to say “I did this or that but my neighbor’s sin is greater than mine!” Or worse yet hide your sin and sit on high posts judging the sins of others. Not only do you not see fairly, it makes you a Pharisee. We’ve all dealt with Pharisees. They are on our jobs, in our churches and even in our homes. Pharisees were typically self-righteous and legalistic, flaunting their own "good works" before others to make themselves appear superior. Jesus referred to them many times as hypocrites. One of one Jesus’ most powerful dealings with a Pharisee is in Luke 7:36-50. While being anointed by the woman with the alabaster box, this was posed to Simon “Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?” Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.” “That’s right,” Jesus said. I’m saying this to say, if you are giving God your very best and I do mean your absolute best, it matters not at all what others say. He knows! No one can judge you but Him! There are planks in the eyes of men! They judge you by their limited sight but God sees all. Good and bad. We can’t hide from him! In John 8:1-7 deals with the woman caught in the act of adultery. In an attempt to have cause to accuse Jesus the Pharisees tempted Him citing the Law of Moses stating women caught in adultery should be stoned to death. “So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” One by one they left for no one is without sin. Acts 3:19 says “Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.” The definition of repent is: to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life. Repentance and faith in the blood of Jesus Christ result in total forgiveness and remission of sin.
So will you continue to say to yourself “fair I see” or will you remain a Pharisee?

In Love With Love

I was just thinking about something that some of us think a lot about and others not enough. Brace yourselves, I may be a minute. Did you know there are several forms of love? Even if we don't know the proper names for them most of us can only account for two. The love between a man and a woman and the love between a mother/father and child. A family love.
Eros is the first form of love that the average person thinks of and it's simply a passion driven physical and emotional love founded upon aesthetic enjoyment. It is the stereotype of romantic love. It's the love between man and woman. It's the topic of a many song, a many book and a many motion picture. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones commonly known as chick flicks. This is the one that society insinuates we should long for and let's face it a many of us do. Who wouldn't want to share in a love where there is passion. Physical and emotional. Love that is enjoyable to both parties. Love that puts butterflies in the tummy and a Porsche in the heart. The most talented writer and director can spin you a tale that will make you believe in that. A tale. The tale that love is easy. That if two people love each other they may have a mishap or two but everything will work out perfectly for them. But we fail to realize that the telling of that tale is made up of a series of retakes, bloopers, sweat and hard work. Hardly easy and definitely not perfect.
Ludus is the love that is played as a game or sport. A conquest. Meaning it's just a series of challenges won. The Taming Of The Shrew comes to mind. This love seeks to bend another to it's will. A game of who will win. If you're thinking as I am, you're asking yourself how this can be considered as love. Well in our world it isn't but trust me when I say there are others that can totally relate and this is their perfect love. I personally can't relate but I see it in a many relationship. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones where you can't for the life of you figure out why that woman is with that man when mostly everything he does is meant to break her like a wild horse. Maybe it's the woman doing the breaking. I'm not trying to be chauvinistic. These relationships are often abusive. Emotional and sometimes physical. This love lacks respect. The thrill is in the game.
Storge is the love that is affectionate and slowly develops from friendship and is based on similarity. We know this story also. The story where friends become lovers. The story where good friends in search of Eros love realize what they were looking for was right there all the while. They discover commonalities between themselves and realize that together...they just make sense. They know each other. They tend to have seen the good, the bad and the ugly before their romantic relationship developed.
Pragma is the love that is driven by the head not the heart. It's the love that's undemonstrative. The head knows that it would be practical to love this person. It knows that someone else would think that what he/she has is not too bad by most standards. There only one problem. The heart hasn't caught up with the head. This love finds it hard to show love because it isn't heart felt. Where Eros is passionate Pragma is the opposite. It is devoid of such things. It goes through the motions.
Mania is the love that is highly volatile. It's obsessive and energized by low self-esteem. This is the deadly love. The love that kills maims and destroys. The love that is often tragically featured on the news. The love to be avoided, not embraced.
Agape is the selfless altruistic love. It's the motherly love. The spiritual love. It's the love that a mother or father has for their child. It's the love God has for us and by far the most valuable. Not valuable in a monetary sense but in a sense that it's unconditional. 1 Corinthians 4-8 says "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." Imagine if you can for a second being the recipient of that kind of love. No judgement. It's yours and you don't even deserve it. Freely given. God loves us like that. It's the only perfect love. It's the love He wants us to have for each other.
Anyone reading this can relate to one or more of these forms of love. Hopefully you don't fall into the negative categories. I've said all this to say this. Most of us long for love. You may yearn for that motherly/fatherly love. I'm here to tell you to yearn no more. God loves you. Even if you feel as if not another soul in this world does. He loves you through your imperfections, sin and shortcomings.
You may yearn for the kind we read in the romance novels and see in the movies. It's wonderful the notion that two people are so much in love that it catapults them past peril and disappointment in a couple of chapters or a couple of scenes. But the truth is love is much more than that. It takes work to maintain. No one is the same way everyday. There will be bad moods, mistakes, missteps, anger and angry words. I'm not downing love. Nor am I saying that it's impossible or unreal. Hey I read the books and see the movies too and I love the idea that two people can love each other that much that there is always a happy ending and I love all the romanticism along the way. Just be sure you're not just in love with love.