If I Said I Love You

If I said I love you that fact would you concede or would I have to cut my wrists and let you watch me slowly bleed?

If I told you my innermost secrets, would you use them as ammunition or would you smile in acceptance and feed my ambition?

If to you I confessed all my imperfections would I be met with haughty indignation or would you take me in your arms and lift me to a new station?

If I gave you my body would you use it for a night and fall asleep or would you treasure, pleasure, fill it and then claim it as yours to keep?

If I gave you all that I had even if that all was me, would you willingly accept it or cast it into the sea?

If before your eyes I turned old, worn and grey, would you love me as much then as you do today?

If my happiness was yours and yours was mine, would that be enough or would you seek the beauty of a totally different design?

I ask all these questions just because..."if" is the biggest small word there ever was.

When I Love You Isn't Enough

I was just thinking, what do you say when I love you isn't enough? When it by no far stretch of the imagination covers what you're feeling and experiencing. It's funny when I think of three words that are seriously misused...it's those three words. Sometimes people mean I like you, sometimes they mean I want to sleep with you and sometimes it's simply a response to the "I love you" that preceded it. I'm not questioning any one's ability or inability to know what they're feeling. This is not at all about that. It's about those words being used so often with so little meaning behind them they've become as common as saying "Hello, how are you" to a passer by. You don't really mean for them to tell you how they are it's just polite. So what words do you use? How do you explain how adjectives such as beautiful and kind comes to mind when you think of that person? How it seems like every two minutes something reminds you of them so they are always on your mind? How your heart beats faster but there is calmness within you with each thought of them? When the most valuable thing you have is yourself and you give yourself to that person wholeheartedly? How do you explain the connection your body has to theirs and how it craves to be near theirs? How there is a kinship like no other between the two of you? How one of the greatest pleasures you experience is seeing them smile? And even though they happen when they are having a bad day it saddens your heart? How simple things such as holding your hand comforts you like nothing else? How you want to share and make new experiences with them? How you so desperately want to show them just how special they are to you? How just the thought of not having them around is unconscionable? How their inner beauty is so blinding that it manifests itself outwardly and they are physically the most appealing person you have ever seen? How much you long to stand in their arms on moonlit beaches and kiss like there is no tomorrow? How they know you as no one ever has? How they are the last thought before you fall asleep and your first thought in the morning? Why you call every morning because you want their voice to be the first one you hear? How you don't want to waste a single moment of the time you spend together? How even though you can talk to them indefinitely, you don't because you know they have other obligations. How you value their opinion and desire their approval? How they invoke in you a selflessness like you've never experienced before? How awe inspiring and intelligent you find them? How their love for God attracts you even more? What summation do you give to all these things? I hope you didn't continue reading this to discover an answer to that question because I don't have one. All I can tell you is that when I try to think of what to say that would let him know all the things he means and is to me...I love you isn't enough.

Tragic Inevitability

I recently came across this song of Lalah Hathaway's. As I listened to some of the words I thought to myself...girl you feelin' me! But it was not so much the words of this song that compelled me to pen and paper but the words in the title. Tragic Inevitability. I took it upon myself to educate myself on the meaning of these words. Webster's dictionary defines them as follows: Tragic - regrettably serious or unpleasant: deplorable, lamentable. Inevitable - incapable of being avoided or evaded. So I summarized that the title meant that there was an unpleasant situation that was unable to be avoided. I thought to myself...wow...and this entry took on a new direction for me. What was initially meant to be a look at beauty will end up addressing the beast. I am in no way making despairing remarks toward anyone, I'm merely saying that what comes to mind isn't pleasant. Not for me anyway. So here's the gist of this rambling. In the interim between the birth of a relationship and the death of the same relationship there are many emotional changes. Sometimes there are many years between that birth and death but for me...not so much. I keeping asking myself how I got here. I mean I know all the factors that caused the death but as time passes I find it harder to see the reason for the birth. Do two people really change that much? My intellect tells me that the person I am currently dealing with is the person that has always been there. I just chose not to see it. It forces me to accept 75% responsibility for the initial misconceptions. You can't fault someone for being themselves. Especially you've had glimpse (no matter how long ago it was) of who or what that person really is. Which is why I believe if a person shows you who they really are...you should believe them. But I also believe that people can change and with those contradictions, I guess I now know which belief took precedence. This is so not a bashing session. Not even bashing myself. I feel the need to keep reiterating that. It's all about feelings and trying to come to terms of how I came to be at this particular juncture and what it means. I feel a certain amount of sadness. Not for the decisions I've made that have brought me here but for a death. The death of something that was supposed to mean something. It wasn't even a slow death but a cold, swift, calculated death. I guess most people would argue that they would prefer a quick death over one where there is suffering. I can't say that I don't agree. But death is death and being clothed in flesh there is a certain sadness to it. I find that I am once again questioning my ability and likeliness to be loved. That statement weighs heavily on my mind with the sheer pathetic way of how it sounds. It's not as it sounds though. It's just me accepting how and why I feel the way I do. I see myself as a scarred, flawed, wounded and weary being. One who loves fiercely, one who is loyal long after sense and sensibility demand that I stop and one who loves laughter so my sense of humor can be uncanny. With all of this I don't see a person worthy of being or having love. That I even tried seems foolish to me now. Do not misunderstand me. I believe that you should love your neighbor as yourself and practice it and I believe that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son and I love me!!! I still wholeheartedly believe in love. I just no longer believe that the particular love I am speaking of was meant for me in this life. The Lord said his grace is sufficient. I'm all over that. It's just that sometimes it's saddening that things have to be this way. So when emotions are raw and I just...need, here is my prayer.
Lord I do not know the plan you have for my life but I do know that it's perfect. In moments of weakness and despair I'm so glad that here in this little room you wrap your arms around me as I cry. All the while wiping my tears and telling me that everything will be alright. For comforting me in spite of my scars, flaws, fears and tears. For dwelling within the broken and broken-hearted. For lending Your strength when mine is failing. For being who You are. For loving me first and unconditionally. For giving Your Son so that I may live and not die. I pray that You use me in a way that will forever glorify You. I thank You for Your patience and understanding as I decrease and You increase.
So the tragic inevitability of it all is that in the end, maybe things are just as they were meant to be.

Frame Of Reference

I was just thinking. I was recently involved in a conversation that at first didn't anger me as much as it upset me. We've all had conversations on topics that we feel as if we're being made to justify or defend ourselves. It's not a good feeling. Matters are even more difficult when you've made yourself clear on how you feel about this matter countless times. Maybe the person you're conversing with doesn't drop the gauntlet and issue an outright challenge. That's not usually how it works. It's usually done through innuendos. Implications that suggest things aren't as you say they are. As if you've already been tried and convicted in the court of the other person's mind. This may not be meant in a hurtful manner but it no less has you in a state of...why? As I sat contemplating this very thing, I came to realize that most people can only perceive things from their own frame of reference. In simpler terms they base your experiences, beliefs or whatever the situation may be on their own experiences, beliefs etc. If they were placed (or already have been) in the same scenario as you are currently in, what they would (or have done) takes center stage. Our emotions can run very deeply about certain things. It's possible to feel so strongly about something that only your reaction to it seems feasible. The concept of individuality is lost. And you know what?...I get it. A desire to feel a connection to the rest of the world. A sense of belonging. Like your feelings and life are not so foreign to everyone else's. There is no thought requirement. You already know how you would feel and what our reaction would be. I get it but I don't agree with it. We are all different. We experience things differently. Our experiences may share certain similarities but we each have one or more little nuances that make us...different. We may break off into little sub-cultures where we "click" with those who have many similarities as ourselves but even in those sub-cultures you will find differences. I'm not at all saying that one person is better or worse than the next. Just trying to make sense of human nature. In doing so I can only appreciate differences. I have a better understanding of why people are as they are. It makes me conscientious that I'm not judging others from my own frame of reference.

Some Kind Of Way

Well let me begin by saying that the title holds significant meaning for me right now. It is how I'm feeling. Have you ever had feelings that you can't explain? Or that you didn't even want to? Like your brain already concedes the fact that no words that your mouth can utter will resonate in any ear that could possibly understand. You might be saying that this a a glorified way of saying I'm depressed. In a sense I guess you're right. In another...that doesn't nearly cover it. It's kind of heavy. Being bombarded with so many different emotions. Love, dissappointment, excitement, self-loathing, happiness and sadness. It's like standing on an extremely narrow ledge in unpredictable high winds. Fall backwards to your death or forward into happiness and purpose. You just don't which way the wind will blow and it's the not knowing that's so maddening. As a believer in the teachings of Christ, I believe that "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them." (Roman 8:28) Knowing that whatever I'm feeling and whatever I'm going through is for my good and that I have the best comforter I could possibly have as I make these transitions make it tolerable. He knows my heart is heavy. He knows of the tears shed and unshed and as I lay with my head in his lap telling Him how I feel, I know that it may not be today nor tomorrow but it will be alright. If I faint not. I've come to accept that happiness may not be mine to claim in this lifetime. I have a charge to keep and a God to glorify and He has said that His grace is sufficient. None of this is new to Him. The phrase "Been there, done that" comes to mind. As I pray, knowing that He knows and that He loves me in spite of my fear and doubt makes me love Him even more. You may or may not be able to relate to any of this. I guess this was more for me. I am no preacher and that is not the purpose for this literary for work. It's how I choose to express myself. It's my therapy for when I'm feeling "Some Kind Of Way."

Transient

Born into a world filled with sin.
Born into a world that serves the jinn.

Feeling like a stranger here, as if I don't belong.
It will get better I tell myself, hold on, be strong.

Restless and weary walking seemingly alone.
Hopes, dreams and purpose all but gone.

Desperately needing something real and true.
Knowing in my soul that not just anything will do.

Feeling lost and as lowly as dirt.
Bound in shackles, wounded and hurt.

No refuge, no home, no one who cares.
Only emptiness, hunger and uninterested stares.

Hidden in darkness, it's void my shroud.
Living with a quiet that is so deafeningly loud.

...And then Jesus came into that life.

Born again into a world exciting and new.
Born again into a world where I give God His due.

Jesus saved me and now I'm free.
His faithfulness and mercy every day I see.

In Him I have found a resting place.
The unconditional love of Christ so full of grace.

Blessed with a light I can not hide,
no longer hidden in darkness but in His word I abide.

Famished no more He made sure I was fed.
To Him and His church I am blissfully wed.

All that the enemy stole from me has been returned and more.
And I am patiently waiting for all the Master has in store.

No longer a wanderer in this insidious land,
but I walk with Jesus and on a rock I stand.

The promise of heaven is the ultimate perk,
if I follow Jesus and do His work.

I've come to realize that what I was feeling was true.
I am a transient here...just passing through.

Mountain Of Why

Why in times of sadness, despair and pain do I think of you with me on shores my feet have never touched and places my head has never lain?

Why is it when I look in my mirror I see you? Why do I know when you look in yours you see me too?

Why is that not all the mirror reflects? It reveals we see in each other what others neglect.

Why is my life so similar to yours and yours to mine? Why does your opinion mean more to me than I can comprehend, explain or define?

Why with one kind word do you have the knack to fill the void of the many things my life lacks?

Why is it that with just one thought of you, should I feel like a beautiful spring morning with a layer of fresh dew?

Why is it when it comes to you I'm so conflicted? Like trying to walk through a gate clearly marked restricted.

Why between us is there such understanding, acceptance and heat when in my lifetime this hasn't been an ordinary feat?

Why are jokes between us so funny and remain so for days? Why can I see the real you and feel nothing less than amazed?

Why with them are differences nearly impossible to mend, when we have in each other someone we can always call friend?

Why are we who are as simple as a field of daisies, predetermined to attracting people who are self-absorbed, over complicated and crazy?

Why is it that out of all the people in the world, you're most like me except you're not a girl?

Why is it that as sure as I am a girl and you are a guy, will there always be a mountain of why?